Destination is only Received by Journey # 22

My Trust fulfilled its duties and traveled to its Destiny

This autobiography is not being written under the awning of any relationship; it is only the autobiography of a Life, which is an infinitesimal part of the grand ‘existence’—which is common to all of us. Our life embarks upon the quest of a special type of Life, where I see that our series of the traditions of many lives is leading us towards a grand ‘existence’. I see in roze-marra, (daily life ) when the seed prepares itself for a new Life, the fruit fall from the tree and hides itself in the womb of the Earth. The pulp decays and the seed sprout up, then:
Isn’t our physique similar to the pulp of a fruit?
Are our sanskars not analogous to seeds?
I feel only the movement of the same Life everywhere, only shapes are different, flow is the same.
I have just returned from the morning walk. What should I do? In every moment awaiting novelty I look at the leaves of the innermost door and send in all directions the detached messages of my thirst for waiting, along with the fragrance of my sensibilities. Then Nature’s cooperation comes in, separates shapes, and makes gifts of:
A Love of waiting
The Water of the Ganges to thirst
A rhythmic caper of detachment
Experiencing messages
Peace and tranquility of feelings and emotions
Today, it has sent me the gift of cooperation of a duck. At the sight of the duck’s gait I was reminded of my daughter’s gait. I feel that she, also, has the tipsy gait of a duck. For her sake I always sing this song:
“O God save her tipsy gait! Even a flower-laden branch bows to it.”
Today, I sing the same song in praise of the duck. But suddenly, I capture my daughter’s gait in the camera and her gait begins to harmonize with the duck’s graceful gait in a befitting manner.
A careful glance at everyone’s framework of Life will indicate Nature’s attitude towards the qualities which equates our Life with every animate being. Bird and beast, flower and tree, all links our temperament with the sanskars of every living species and lends every style of our action, habit, mode of activity, and feelings into a special individuality. How, when, and where these series of relationships begin? A thousand similar questions crop up to resolve the mystery of Life.
Isn’t our human apparel the accumulation of millions of lives?
Isn’t it the case that it has crossed the physical level, but the sanskars of the mental level survive to be dealt with?
Why is every person’s method of understanding, observing, and recognizing life different from that of their fellow beings?
Did you ever think why?
Why do two people not exhibit the same attitude to the same task?
Today, in the company of my ‘why’, I begin to ask such questions. “A man acquires the tinge of his company.” Perhaps this is the reason. Today, we leave the answers to such questions to your own discrimination.
Lo! At this pleasant time of my journey even prayers seek permission to leave me.
Prayers, which make one detached in the lingering moments, put colourful garbs to the unseen susceptibilities, and introduce them to me, now says:
Prayers: “Now is my time to leave.”
Shaheer: “But why?”
Prayers: “No answer.”
Shaheer: “I need your help.”  
Prayers: “There is no need for my help. Now, have a swim in the deep Sea of Quietness.” Shaheer: “I will not be able to do that without your assistance.”
Prayers: “The Sun and the Moon do not rise together.”
Shaheer: “What are you driving at?”
Prayers: “Silence and prayer cannot co-exit.”
Shaheer: “But you are my sole support, the oar of my life’s skiff!”
Prayers: “Now you do not need the oar, but the support of your ‘why’.”
Shaheer: “What is ‘why’ to me?”
Prayers: “‘Why’ is your sense of devotion, your mood of dedication.”
Shaheer: “But you are the taper.”
Prayers: “My light is ‘why’s’ light. Or I may say that it is your ‘why’ that takes the shape of your prayer and lends you support.”
Now I see that whenever my sense of prayer is stirred, ‘why’ comes and gives my neck a twist. This ‘why’ has infinite shapes, which it assumes as well as drives away at its own sweet will, which with its each shape deprives me of my own identity and I get lost in wonder.
Only yesterday—as I saw the various hues spread in the Sky in all directions, every pore of my body grew sensitive and these words escaped my lips:
“O Unknown Master, please tinge all in your own hue! O Donor, do good to all!”
At once ‘why’ comes and catches hold of my neck…
‘Why’: “Why do you pray for the welfare of all?”
Shaheer: “So that all enjoy happiness.”
‘Why’: “Is this your desire?” (Stressing the word desire)
Shaheer: With hesitation. “Yes, perhaps.”
‘Why’:  “Not perhaps, say only yes.”
Shaheer: “But it is an august wish, an august action.”
‘Why’: “That is a good deed?” (Stressing the word deed) 
Shaheer: “Yes”
‘Why’:  Ironically. “Oh! Then you can do deeds, too.”
Shaheer: “Perhaps.” In the state of indecisive.
‘Why’:  “Only good deeds?”
Shaheer: “Yes, it is good to seek the good of all.”
‘Why’:  Ironically. “Is it you who seek it?”
Shaheer: “No”
‘Why’:  “Is it you to give the order?”
Shaheer: “It is not an order, but a prayer”
‘Why’:  “Then, what are you in this?”
Shaheer: “I? I don’t know.”
‘Why’:  “Who am I?”
Shaheer: “A fellow comrade, a cooperative companion.”
‘Why’: “Who is the Master?”
Shaheer: “In whom this all is taking place.”
‘Why’: “Are you out?
Shaheer: “No.”
‘Why’: “Then what about the prayers?”
Shaheer: “The Master is prompting me too.”
‘Why’: “And I?”
Shaheer: (Silence)
‘Why’: “If we all are in Him, the prompter of prayer as well as its prohibitory, and your questions as to who you are, though you might be He Himself, then within your subtle ‘self’ there is a trace of your separate identity that makes you a ‘you’. Therefore, in spite of everything being within the Master, you have a subtle particle or entity which sees. The ‘seer’ is never within the object ‘seen’—it is a very subtle state. So prayer is an august virtue—a plan or mode of approach, but it is also a link in the subtle state to ‘I’ which is a separate unit or entity. Your moments are only occasionally taking you to that place where ‘I’ does not exist. In those moments, you need not offer any prayer, but Silence, which is indispensable.”
Shaheer: “What do you mean?”
‘Why’: “Whatever we do is always limited while not doing is unlimited. During your period of observing Silence, prayer remains your support. Now offering prayer is sometimes necessary, in order to attain to your ‘self’. There is no mode of action and no formula, there is only Silence. The pilgrimage to the ‘self’ is a pilgrimage to Silence.”
Shaheer: “I did not follow.” 
‘Why’: “Well, tell me one thing, if you say that from now onward you will do only what is good, is there any end to this ‘good’ doing?”
Shaheer: “The end of doing good?” (After same reflection.) “No end.”
‘Why’: “Why?”
Shaheer: “When more and more good doings follows one another.”
‘Why’: “It means—there is never an end to doing good.”
Shaheer: “No.”
‘Why’: “If you say, ‘I’ll never do bad’, then?”
Shaheer: “The bad deeds will come to an end.”
‘Why’: “Why?”
Shaheer: “Because I will never do evil”
‘Why’: “Then why can’t good come to an end?”
Shaheer: “Because how can I do good to an indefinite numbers of people? My own end will come before I finish this job and the process of doing good will remain incomplete.”
‘Why’: “And what about evil doing?”
 Shaheer: “It will come to an end.”
‘Why’: “Why? Yes, why?”
Shaheer: “Why? Because of the decision not to do anything, to renounce something—it depends on me.”
‘Why’: “What about doing good?”
Shaheer: “It depends on another’s need and there is no end to others.”
‘Why’: “To make renunciations are within everyone’s capacity—but all our longings, our feelings, and our cherished desires can be satisfied by none of us. Your present moments can carry you across good and bad, right and wrong, sin and virtue, truth and false. Therefore, when we think that from this moment onward we are not to commit evil, then evil comes to an end; good too, loses it hold on us and we give it up—beyond good and evil!” 
 Shaheer: “Hurrah!”
‘Why’: “In the same way, prayer is an excellent approach, but it comes to an end, while Silence has no end.”
Shaheer: “But why had I become Silent?”
‘Why’: “Whenever someone feels helpless and deprived of all strength, when looking within and finding utter helplessness to do anything, they feel that nothing is possible for them to do. Then the desire for Silence or stillness crops up in its mind. First, people grow in Silence. In the external field—where their solid links begin to crack, then it digs within, into the innermost depths of their being and finds out that it can do nothing.
When a person can do no holy recitation and observe no asceticism, their interior, also, finds itself entirely wanting in capacity. Then only their Silence becomes for them a means of support, a method of approach. When people at home are observing Silence, then for whole time they only see their inner Silence. This inner Silence is the Silence of the Universe! The person who observes such silence automatically proceeds to the land of the Unknown One and seeks shelter there. This shelter seeking is self-dedication.”
Shaheer: “It is right that I feel myself quite bereft of strength and energy, but still, if I have been rejecting every person and every thing, what is that?”
‘Why’: “You observe Silence, but your life doesn’t.”
Shaheer: “No.”
‘Why’: “Life’s innate disposition is also Silence. Now this Silence will look after you; thus Silence becomes a means for your security—think over it deeply. In fact, this is meant to look after one’s life. You may call it your own Silence or the Silence of Silence. Now if any obstacle comes its way or if it develops any defect, this s\Silence itself will reject and remove it. It bears a good and beautiful result that:
This Silence will now first renounce falsehood, not truth.
This Silence will first reject sin, not virtue.
This Silence will now first reject the wrong, not the right.”
Shaheer: “But why?”
‘Why’: “It is because Silence is a negative activity; it destroys first what is wrong and undesirable, and as the wrong things end through it, truth automatically remains behind.
First solid negations come to an end, then the subtle negations, and lastly negations that lie in the depths—are exterminated. Silence is a reality. Apparently, it is negative, but in reality it is positive. Silence continues to rid itself of all situations, occurrences, untoward circumstances, and individuals, all which are uncongenial, only then can Silence arrive at the depth of truth.”
Shaheer: “But my disposition was positive, then why measure negativity?”
‘Why’: “Your disposition was positive, that is to say has a positive tendency and a positive energy, is powerful and strong.                                        
Positive energy means ‘yes’
Negative energy means ‘no’
Positive energy means –  truth, peace, love, prayer, knowledge, devotion, faith, virtue
Negative energy means – false, quarrels, disputes, envy, jealousy, woe, trouble, sin, hauteur, fear, hell, ignorance
Positive energy means ‘virtues’
Negative energy means ‘vices’
By realizing yourself, wanting to be strong your disposition took for you the positive step.
Silence is a positive energy. To get something, we need a proper approach; but to relinquish or renounce, no plan or project is required, only intelligence and sense will do.”
Shaheer: “If my disposition is positive, then why don’t I choose peace and comfort?”
‘Why’: “You can, if you have no consciousness of your being as being weak and wanting to be strong. A weak person cannot become a doer. Ponder over it and answer.”
Shaheer: “No.”
‘Why’: “Why not?”
Shaheer: “I do not think I can do it.”
‘Why’:  “You can do something, I suppose.”
Shaheer: “I can talk, but I don’t like it anymore.”
‘Why’:  “What can you do now?”
Shaheer: “Nothing. Yes, Of course, I can leap about and dance, but do nothing else.”
‘Why’: “So, cooking food, sweeping and cleaning the house, what is all this?”
Shaheer: “This is going to happen, it is being done, so it seems. Then I will rise to my feet and start doing all these.”
‘Why’: “And what about this writing?”
Shaheer: “It is the demand of the time that is compelling me to do all this.”
‘Why’: “Do you mean ‘I’.”
Shaheer: “Yes, perhaps.”
‘Why’: “Yes, because I am a part of you.”
Shaheer: “It means you and I are identical.”
‘Why’: “No. We are two yet. That is why I desist from prayer. Prayer is a process; in that action you remain ‘you’ and I remain ‘I’.”
 Shaheer: “If prayer is taken away, shall we become identical?”
 ‘Why’: “No, not one. Only you will get rid of your ‘I’ ness’.”
Shaheer: “And, you?”
With this, ‘why’ becomes mum to my question. This significant dialogue with ‘why’ applies to my life as a bathing soap that washes away all the dust of the world’s importance.
Even today, as I lie in some nook or corner of ‘existence’, some earnest request convulses and is immediately granted. As, for example, many novel experiences come from distant lands and lodge in my mind. I see that the whole world lies within me and sometimes I see that I lie in each particle. Such experiences impel me to take a leap of joy and then sit complacently in my room.
At times, an urge rises within that I can shout aloud and share my new spiritual experiences with others. But I have already found a touch of frenzy, as well as childishness, in my habits and behaviours and I begin to feel that if I cross the present limits, I will be awarded with a Nobel Prize for madness.
Now this awakened desire seeks its fulfillment. These moments are also very taut and keen. My desire then convulses for expression, and these moments at once take a torch and start in search of the path.
If someone tells me that there is a grand and attractive personage somewhere, I at once grow eager to see and contact that person and turn the steering wheel of my car in that direction. I have attended very big religious gatherings, but what I get from within and from my own room, that is not available elsewhere. Of course, these outer gatherings provide very Beautiful experiences and experiments, which prove most useful to our personal transformation and reform. They also wipe out the dust from my keen and convulsive desires and wishes.
The people and I
My room and the world!
It is a very attractive and heart-ravishing association, and to test the worth and validity of my inner blossoms, the public laboratory provides a good testing apparatus. It also gets the fading elements of these blossoms duly tested and gets the blossoming flower of experience, prepared according to a formulae of per-fumes and cosmetics.
Self is a flower
Accordingly vices are our fading elements
Virtue is the fragrance
Secondly, I see in each individual a new and separate concept of Beauty. Their ideas, desires, and assessments of actions besiege me in a very concrete shape, and they make me see the dirt and dust settled in my interior. These public orchards act as a mirror to enable me to watch my virtues and vices, and with its own experiences and assessments, take my experiences on a voyage of discovery to fill them with fragrance.
First, I quietly watch and see them all, listen to them, note their visual and bodily gestures, the depth of their words and speeches, their pronunciations and the unmeaning part of their words. All these give me an idea of their social standing and a distinction to their personalities. Then my turn for self-expression comes.
I have quite an unusual experience, experiences of the world and the solitary Life in my room—I notice the contrast. They both offer good examples of separate types of Beauties—the people and I, my room and the world. Then a holy meeting takes place. My ‘why’ is the audience as well as the judge. It extracts butter from milk and hands it over to me.
Lo! I reach again, as an accused in the court of ‘why’. This dialogue follows…
‘Why’: “Why do you wish to see the faquir and mendicants?”
 Shaheer: “In order to hear their talks of distant lands.”
‘Why’: “And why do you wish to meet the wayfarers of that path?”
 Shaheer: “To hear their impressions of their travels and to note their zest for this spiritual quest.”
‘Why’: “Only to listen to them or to express your own views?”
 Shaheer: “For both.”
‘Why’: “What will you get thereby?”
 Shaheer: “New experience and new ideas.”
‘Why’: “And if you do not go, then?”
 Shaheer: “I shall remain bereft of both.”
‘Why’: “Do you want to depend on others?”
 Shaheer: “No.”
‘Why’: “Do not tell a lie—it is your desire and it is your imprisonment. Only through the jugglery of words do you seek your release.”
Shaheer: “Good! I will secure my release.”
‘Why’: “No, release is possible only in this way: through a careful study and knowledge that one can hope to secure riddance or release.”
Shaheer: “However, a holy meeting has ever been recommended as something sacred and edifying.”
‘Why’: “Yes, it is good, but in the present day situation, it is not so good for you.”
 Shaheer: “Why?”
‘Why’: “Do you want a holy meeting or experience?”
Shaheer: “Both.”
‘Why’: “Then when you come back from attending a holy congregation and contacting the people, why do you say:
‘There is no place anywhere like my private room?’
‘Oh! Why did I go? I am quite enough company for myself.’
What do you mean by all this?”
 Shaheer: “Yes, it is quite true. I do feel like this.”
‘Why’: “But you don’t recognize your own innocence. Why?”
 Shaheer: “It only means that I have no such knowledge.”
‘Why’: “Do you want to depend on your self or on others?”
 Shaheer: “Only on myself.”
‘Why’: “Then answer my questions in a few seconds and be quick, lest your mind and intellect intervene.
Begin :
‘Why’    Shaheer
Determination? Firm
Direction? No direction
Condition? I don’t know.
Desire? Freedom from? I’ness or ego
Place? Room
Company? Your
Experience? Deep Silence, unalloyed
Feeling or awareness? None
Experiment? Aloneness

‘Why’: “This is your structure of today; therefore, the formula is ready for you.
Here it is:
~‘I’ am your holy company
~Study the Vedas and the Shastras. It will purify your mind.
~Your own pious company will cleanse and polish you.
~A critical appraisal of ideas will give you new suggestions.
~Silence will adopt you and make you its own.
~Experience will keep you afloat
~Tranquility will put you to sleep.
~The Unknown will welcome you.”
 Shaheer: “But I wish to feel happiness within and to distribute it.”
‘Why’: “Do you wish to distribute it or express it?”
 Shaheer: “Only on myself. Take it as you like.”
‘Why’: “What do you mean?”
 Shaheer: “I mean—can’t I be genuine and true in your company? If it is hauteur, what should I do?”
‘Why’: “Well, then one thing can be done; your happiness or joy shall become perfect and complete and you will not be dependent on others.”
 Shaheer: “What?”
‘Why’: “Write down this dialogue.”
 Shaheer:  “What? Isn’t it ego?”
 ‘Why’: “It is, but it is very subtle and carries little importance, for Life might become extremely Beautiful, but it must not stagnate. To keep Life in a flux, we need some resources and material. Perhaps this is the best thing for you.”
Today, my ‘why’ brings me to that turn where there is no deep feeling, no great attachment, no profound word or idea, no deep meaning—all wrapped in the coffin of meaninglessness?
Thus, if I think: “what am I!”, “who am I!” I see that this reflection takes me into the deep womb of the ‘I’ or the ‘ego’ and ‘I’ loses its existence.
‘I’ remains, ‘I’ness’ is annihilated.
‘Am’ is annihilated, and is replaced by ‘is’ness’.
I am lost in that ‘is’ness’. When I glance in all directions, ‘I’ is monopolized by the idea of all that exists. I readily pass through the moments of my life with this consciousness. I have a house, yes, it is there. I have children, yes I have. I am there, yes, I am. This experience cannot be reduced to a specific definition.
I remain in this trance for two or three minutes. Then I hear a click once again. It suggests that all words written in the Vedas and other scriptures are Timeless. For in those two or three minutes, I sense all that exists. In this Beautiful state of ‘existence’, when I grow conscious of this eternal ‘existence’, I also have the feeling that I, who I am in reality, exist. Where did all others vanish? My ‘I’ ness’, my physique, my sensibilities—they do not exist at all. Which means this eternal ‘existence’ is Timeless—this consciousness of the Timelessness of Existence and negation of Time is a wonderful experience—Wah! Wah!
However, after a few moments, when I come back to myself, the feeling that wells up in my mind is beyond my capacity to describe. I seek Freedom from my own ‘self’.
Friends, just as pale leaves of the trees indicate the advent of Autumn, daybreak brings the message of Sunrise, in the same way today, my ‘I’ or ‘ego’ gives a glimpse of its Freedom from me. Today, it seems to me that the Time is coming for me to get rid of my ‘I’ or ‘ego’. In doing this, what will happen? I do not know. During this period of forty-three years of my life, the present moments are the most critical as they give the message of taking me away from myself. When this message will find its fulfillment, I do not know.