Knowledge is the Largest Miracle # 4

Mental World

My first step fell into this field.
My first breath took in this field.
I always traveled above my perceptions and feelings. Five times I twirled in the whirlwind of rage; I heartily called names to three people. I hated one from the core of my heart for three months. I remained afraid of my mother for twenty years. I spent thirty-two years in depression.
Virtues & Vices
Vice—not to await anybody nor look for a lost object
Virtue—selfless love
Condition or state—suffocation, helplessness, and despair
Longing—to please everybody
Wisdom—never heeded
Let there be an individual or the environment,
Circumstances or rites and rituals,
Whatever was undesirable, I immediately divorce.
I safeguarded my feelings and sentiments, listened to everybody but did of my own sweet-will.
My weakness—I could not tolerate one who deliberately exercised tricks upon others.
'Short-coming’—I was acutely conscious of my imperfection
'Desire'—I wanted to become limitless or cross all limits.
'Search'—I looked for that state of mind, which should exempt me from my individuality.
Temperament—I held stubborn, childish habits.
I never liked the points of view of the people in the neighborhood. The question of bowing to someone never arose. The struggle to keep up appearances looked shallow. Never accepting life, I was involved in tiresome anxiety and acute depression.
In short, the whole life looked insipid and nauseous, therefore what could I do? I was fond of singing songs and cutting capers, but how long could I do that? Well, if a moment took a turn, I would head for a temple or Gurdwara. However, even there, I could not bear to see any injustice causing me to quarrel with unjust people and return home. What was I to gain? I only saw my mental balance disturbed.
What could I do? Perhaps time was very critical and was absorbed in depriving me of my individuality. All these happenings were making their direct attack on my susceptibility and sentimentality began to flow; I became unconscious of my feelings and perceptions.
There was a more serious mental torture which stirred me. I would see constantly:
Weakening physique
Mentally tired people
Those lost in worries and anxieties, those involved in a host of desires and longings. I would see the bugbear of horror, which ate up all their peace and comfort, sitting on their life. What could one say to this gentle and humble people, and what advice could one give them? They were contented with their life, while I would suffer on their behalf.
I would watch another class of people:
People, who for the possession of lustful commodities, conceived sinister means and with full effort wasted their lives in frenzied states. I could not pause to see where their progress was taking place, in their deterioration and weakness growing. They were wasting not moments but their whole life, and thus consuming their span of existence. I never saw anyone halt, never saw the termination of anyone's activities. On such occasions only pain consumed my life, tortures shook my being.
In short, the flow of public life guided me. However, what should I do and where should I go? Such questions came and blocked my way. When I began to pray and worship, my practice became so advanced that I was overwhelmed with fatigue and had to stop all worship.
Like a new day I also began to feel the advent of a new day within me. Whether my life took a good or bad shape, it kept flowing, and I constantly felt bored and tired. As I stood in this theatre of emotions and sentiments, some latent possibilities entrusted me a new and unalloyed firmness. This firmness stood in revolt with life for the sake of complete liberty. However, where was a flag to be hoisted? How did one hoist it? No order had yet been received.