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Knowledge is the Largest Miracle # 6

My Unknown World


For me, my whole life was an unknown mystery. I had no ability to appraise any direction or any state. On the ground of a firm resolve stood my rebellious feeling and a loving show. Therefore, for me, my own-self was unknown.
I was getting the knowledge of life through the medium of ignorance; it was certainly being received. It comprised a longing, a dream, but contained no experience.
Krishna, Buddha, and Nanak might have said a million times, though one may have read the Vedas and the Shastras billions of times, what is the essence of true religion? What is essence of truth? Still the germs of doubt wriggle in our blood and the worms of skepticism crawl. Despite endorsing faith, they do not safeguard it, for how can we keep up our courage? How can we lend energy persistently to our resolve and enthusiasm firmly? Only personal experience can grant this confidence; and for personal experience, which 'Dharamshala' (a religious place) can be more suitable than life?

Today, my quietness succeeded in re-installing my faith which, by giving a glimpse of the unknown world, animated my dead steps.
This fresh glimpse entirely changed the value of life. The moments passing, amidst the deep feelings of quietude, led me again to glimpse of the moments gone by.
Lo! See those moments in today's glimpse, yes, those very moments, therefore you can detect the slightest shortcoming. You will see how the minuets particle can change the shape of life, how a trifling feeling can make life a veritable theatre.
I see myself caught in the chains of:
suffocation and strain, helplessness and despair
bearing the pain of being called a puppet
the impatient convulsion of a man in bondage
an attempt at suicide, in the state of full pain and anguish.
Life passing through extreme restlessness
breaths caught in the grip of fears
existence weeping in weak sobs of tears
I glanced at all these a second time and then quietude again, clasps me to its bosom. Today, every moment of quietness brings relief, deep feelings, and passions which begin to rearrange and restore the religious aspect of life with the live taper of feelings. The numerous experiences of the world come and strings life into a series of illuminations.
Another direction and another topic
Every shape and every figure begins to give me a message.
Some thump me with feelings and perceptions
Some teach the lesson of life's grandeur.
Some become the songs of life
Some stir up my sentiments
Some enliven my vacuity
Some pour cool showers over my convulsive pain.
In fact, the very eye that watches life underwent a change. The whole world becomes an invaluable treasure. I also am transformed. I become a solitary recluse and my physique becomes a jungle, where my intellect becomes a flowing cataract and my mind takes voluntary mendicancy.
Today, I examine my quietude, a means for the advent of spring. However, I am rejecting every experience. In every experience, there is the burgeoning of contentment and satiety. Nevertheless, my daring firmness is rejecting all these qualities.
Why?
The skiff of my life is passing through the unfathomable ocean of quietude with the oar of prayer. In this pilgrimage, there are also the rainbows of experience, but they carry little significance for me, why? My being does not like any experience which cause disturbance in my silence. I wish to be lost in quietness. Quietness that quietness which is my existence, that is my life, why?
I feel that I am present in my every experience and my 'I'ness' stands intact. I fight shy of my ‘I’ness’ or ego. I cannot bear it. Therefore, every feeling or perception which clashes with my ego is an anathema to me.
The more my life is passing through this world, the more it brings to light new layers, virtues and vices, feelings, and actions and ideas, displaying their identities to me. It enables me to know myself. When this consciousness looks around, all grievances and com-plaints disappear.
Quite calmly, I survey my life and then firmly examine my own point of view with the result that my internal fever courageously comes forward, successfully letting go the skirt of life.
Gradually I return from this material world into the mental world. Whatever is congenial to us is our companion, whatever is uncongenial, we avoid. Why?
When moments give rise to feelings, it is a play of my own desires. Life likes to reject it. This rejection is a strange, unusual thing which promptly decides to keep watch over my quietness; otherwise, it can do nothing.
This inclination to reject creates in me the courage to make a prompt decision which lifts from my mind the burden of heavy firmness by which a new life is getting freshness and energy in the profound deep.
Today, it is not moment, but I am passing. The periods of my thoughts and feelings are passing away. Involved in the journey of silence, my existence, passing through the state of denial, is rejecting and relinquishing all.
I seek riddance not only from vices but also from virtues
Not only on material commodities, but also on individuals
My grasp loosens
Good wishes cause obstructions to my silence. The desire for anything causes obstruction to have everlasting peace. This consciousness blossoms in moments.
As a result, my environment begins to turn into the environment of the thirsty ones. Now it appeals to me to unveil all my experience before the people of knowledge. First of all, I make my temperament and my habits known to them. I wait and watch. What can I do and what can I not do, lest anyone misunderstand me. I wish I could become a clear and smooth feeling or perception for myself, as well as others, that no one should hesitate to ask me anything. All should understand me better than I understand myself; my being should become alive like the open sky.
Everything in the external world is happening like this, but I am undergoing the process of self-contraction. In this contraction comes the inauguration of an expansion. Along with it, my labyrinthine life is also traveling and, by making me realize my every negligence or omission, is accumulating all my 'Sanskaras'. What is my negligence? Concrete shapes of my own confusions, which appear in the shape of omissions, cleanse my life, and, by lightening my existence, bid me adieu.
Formerly, whenever I showed some negligence or omitted doing something, I would weep, cry, and feel repentant, repeatedly begged pardon. It went on. Today, if I make some omission, there takes place a meeting between thoughts and feelings, then some apprehension comes to me. I then see that the negligence undergoes a radical change, my mental burden, and change. My negligence becomes a mirror in which I see my appearance.
If I watch myself carefully and try to discover why I am not afraid of anything, I see, within, a whole creation in miniature. It tells me that if I cannot get peace with good thoughts and good actions. What will be my plight? If I company with an evil person, I feel scared of restlessness, but remain ever restless.
Something bad happened or simply occurred or just taken badly?
However, I had so much pain within that I could not think evil, this fear never allowed me to live freely. Today, where has that fear gone? I go in search of it, but I cannot find it.
Why? Was I eager to become good? Was I desirous of being called good? I was quite considerate of other’s feelings and sentiments. Nevertheless, today I am free from this desire. Then what is there to fear? I can never indulge in the play of fancy. My existence has remained exempt from it, therefore, I can never follow anyone or any religion.
Today’s experiences suggest that:
Our virtues and vices, our environment, our temperaments, and our situations all act as a challenge for the flow of our life, whose negation proves a hindrance and presence serves as a ladder.
For I see that:
What I take for vices, become symbols for the transformation of my life; what I take for virtues begin to suffocate me. What can one understand, if sense does not prevail by nature? How can one decide what is correct and what is incorrect?
Thus, I loved everyone and was pleased to see them. It gradually led me to attachments. However, my expression of love was childish. If I were to enter this matter deeply, what could I deduce from it? Let us share the effort:
The coming of love and its expression in joy, equally 'satvik' (good)
Gradually taking root, and, then, attachment, that is tamas
Childish waiting that is an easy flow. Childishness also means lack of understanding. Pure love means an irrational feeling, in other words, easily falling and being lost in feeling or passion. My very feeling brings this 'today' for me. My grasp endured pain but what good did it do for my surrounding?
For those who are farsighted, it acts positively; for those lacking in foresight, it acts negatively. For me it is a lesson that teaches me something.
Not every medicine can be a remedy for every ailment.
First weigh and consider, then speak. Now, as I get the sense of discrimination and appraisal, I find myself lacking in words; for the moments of today also remark,
“Every person by nature is a combination of right and wrong.” In that case, why should I speak about people, when I know they are the compounds of right and wrong? Of course, I can explain my own inclination and nothing else.
Then what should I call love? My utterance or quietness?
Today, I love all, but love lies in silence, not in childish expression. This silence alone contains a beautiful shape of life. Feelings and sentiments are all unalloyed, pure dedications in this journey of life, flowing, sometimes after changing their appearances and sometimes by changing their bodies. Thus, they bring into our sight a new vision of life. Suddenly a brake is put on.
What is the lasting shape of life? What does it look like?
This curiosity gives my understanding another turn. My condition deteriorates. I feel perturbed and besieged with discontent, success hangs its head down. The consciousness of my weak plight begins to sting me and I begin to entangle myself into new aspirations and fall victim to verbosity.
In the present state, curiosity is the guard of peace and no strain or helplessness can attack it at all. Today, my understanding is in charge of this watchman-ship and it will not allow all the questions to go out of its control.
What is life? What should I call life?
If there is no life, why do I feel it?
If it exists, what is its beginning and end?
What is its lasting character?
Seeing existence enveloped in such beautiful questions, my breath begins to leap and bound joyously. It is true that there is no answer to these questions, but there is a jumble in deed, and this jumble persuades and inspires us to dance.
A host of these questions does not cause any strain, rather teaches patience and at the same time takes us into the depth of silence, where, despite pitch darkness, there is no fear. There, is only a realization, which pricks like a thorn. That is "I-ness". The feeling of this unknown field goes on burgeoning with new and beautiful experiences. Unique experiences are falling victims to attraction. The feeling that deeply settles in my being is the 'lap of silence'. Before this silence, all other experiences pale into insignificance, for they are merely distasteful, nauseous fruit on my path of silence. It is true that every path has its own unique beauty and charm, but my eyes remain focused upon the destination.
I often ask myself if, today, my inner consciousness has changed everything. When this inner consciousness is paralyzed, what will accrue of it? Curiosity about it constantly jolts me. As compared with the weather of today, all other weathers are insipid, for it is an existence which despite being existence, does not look so. The consciousness of the depth suggests that all that I take for existence, does not exist. That’s when a mention of this nonverbal and unendurable state falls into a nondescript state.
Then I remember the Gurbani:
“Creation appears as a bubble, appears on the surface of water. He created the world likewise, listen to me, O friends,” says Nanak.
Today, despite living in the world, I do not take the world as the world. The circle of feelings and passions, the wave of ideas leaves existence untouched. How wonderful that despite being 'Shaheer' I am not Shaheer. Then what am I?
All these that lead to sense and awareness, actually puts us on the pall of ignorance; they do cause some change, except in what is invisible.
The deep perceptions of questions lying in the innermost recesses of being feel jubilant in their own feelings and sensations. I cannot make it clear when some deep beauty at the beginning and the end appears and plays hide and seek with questions embedded deep in my inner self. I cannot explain that realization which watches from valleys afar, which shouts that life does exist but not as you take it. How can I bear this weak plight?
The world is world, but not as I have been seeing it.
Life is life, but not which I had lived so far.
Human is human, but still not as they appears.
These calm whirlwinds, cool volcano, happy storms, and comfort floods, how can I describe them? It seems they will unveil the true, immaculate life.
If I seek any information about this life in the Vedic scriptures, I can have it. Then the union that takes place between peace and contentment expresses itself in the flow of a teardrop. In a sense of humiliation, I feel in this beautiful world a feeling rankling my throat like a thorn. It is born of the sense of insatiable. This sting is not venomous but sweet and wholesome, and it keeps calm breaths flowing unrestrained, not letting a beautiful path to become the destination.
Today, the Vedic scripture becomes a mean to provide courage and confidence to my ascetic tendency. Today, Buddha, Krishna, Nanak, Tao, Ashtavakar, and Jesus all prove helpful to fostering the sense of devotion and faith.
Today, this world helps flower dedication in this devotion and with it, the illumination of calm moments on the path shows its top feelings and sentiments.
This state of dedication, surcharged with the sense of devotion, crosses on the very heart-ravishing gales of innumerable questions; for instance, what are feelings and longings? What is life and death? Who am I and who is God? Who takes the test of its own firmness? Life dancing to the tune of longing desires keeps glorifying in every field of action the ego that tarnished the pond of my august feelings and sentiments.
Will this life of mine live today, in this state of devotion?
Today, this question has again become my comrade to assert its importance. My accompanying released on the way a cataract of emotions and passions. As I watch, the emotive field begins to disappear.
That film of life, which had run under the instructions of emotion, had become the directing authority for Devotion.
Does the sense of devotion obliterate our longing desires? Today, through the window of contentment, I see the helplessness of mine, a useless and pitiable plight. All my aspirations, caught in the grip of helplessness and despair, remained not only a mere burden on me, but a state of extreme horror one feels when encountered with a ferocious wild beast.
I have now nothing left except “wow!” I also glance at my present state—for which life has become a persuasion, a departure of a pleasant silence—where my fluttering feelings and passions have become pacified and my rare, unique sentiment leaps and bounds in full contentment along with my moving breaths. In these moments I find the blossoming of the thoughts and sentiments of men like the Buddha, Nanak, Krishna, Laotze etc. and the feeling of attraction towards the world which gets transformed into the spirit of ‘bhakti’ or devotion.
Now life seems to be moving along rails of ease and fortitude, and without any struggle seems to successfully uproot the layers of my individuality and grants me the awareness of life. Those longings which delimit my being, those activities which disfigure and distort character, because of which my life was in a wavering and faltering state, have now become stable and quiet in the presence of devotion and begun to recount the glory of purity and chastity of life.
Today's moments remind us that:
 By becoming reflective in the true spirit and with the staunch assurance of a true objective, one begins the truly philanthropic journey of life. Only freethinking can enable one to realize the true greatness of Holy Scriptures.
If today I see life through this window of peace, a beautiful realization might sprout up.
Ever since my intellect bowed to my sense of devotion, my feelings and passions accepted life cheerfully; the cooperation of thoughts and feelings opened the gateway to a novel and unique life. A single glimpse of this scatters the awareness of a latent origin of life.
The cool puff of this devotion betrays my hesitation. Then this awareness and invisible garb renders me entirely in the practical field and let me go. Today, my thirst plays the guide to show me the way. The flow of this thirst seems to be very deep, for I see that when beauteous scenes confront me, they generate currents of joy, laughter, and dance. Nevertheless, the occupation of my interior by a calm thirst keeps waiting for life with keen observation. The periods of old life, orthodox ideas, and old feelings, despite being wrong, are held dear by us. In the soil of those follies and blunders blossom the flowers of thirst of a spiritual quest. Today, I can neither beat a retreat nor have the sense of dedication to that thirst which unstitches the seams of many lives and prepares us for a new life.
I see a small ray passing through a calm window along with dark covers that have concealed righteousness. Today, they are falling off and the melodious tune of feelings and passions, along with the rhythm of awareness, takes the shape of a new melody. The vibration of these words teaches how to fly in the sky of life.
What is life?
Infinite shapes spread around this question. As an instrument of experience, it comes to hand to observe physical objects by which the capability to enter the womb of life takes its birth.
The sob at the sense of imperfection
The fatigue caused by ennui
The aggressive tendency to break asunder
The trouble of a dreadful nausea
Murderous suffocation and crippled helplessness
All these that send a shiver through the spine of life, cause senselessness
 Why do they all exist?
This calm window teaches me how to make self-observation and self-exploration. On this very account, for my benefit, a religious place was born and the Vedas and Shastras were inaugurated.
Today, these Vedic scriptures become, for my life, true milestones to provide me the right environment.
That fatigue—which becomes enthusiasm
That strain of suffocation—which becomes freedom.
That I—become courage.
That physique—which becomes tranquility.
I see myself in this Spring.
This is the place where strength, or energy, of individuality begins to flow, where the occurring accidents are disposed without a tremor—where the whole angle of vision undergoes a change.
Within me rises a burst of laugher which desires to embrace, that is, comprehend the entire universe. I wish I could remove the fatigue of all, wipe out their sense of suffocation. However, my calm helplessness explains the importance of patience and fortitude, and thereby expresses the main trend of life's way of thinking.
Today, I also notice that moments have reorganized themselves in a new shape where everything is our own; there is no boundary. This recognition of oneness is a happy sentiment, where in the temple of tranquility, one gets the largess of contentment.
I recall in my memory the time when I used to wander about in the dark wilderness of passions and emotions. It seemed as though someone's harsh treatment had thrown me away from the threshold of satiety, and today, these moments of friendliness say:
“O silly fellow, that harshness was your own ego.”
Today, my feeling, exempt from the discrimination of our own or a stranger’s, stands holding the banner of revolution in its hand. These restrictions, which give birth to boundaries and limits, awaken the feelings of separation and disunity, and thereby, create the circles of helplessness. What are they? From the sense of oneness those moments of today say:
These separations, these restrictions, are only the footprints of Death.
Today, this dedicated sentiment has secured for me liberation from the painful grip of separation and loneliness.
Today, I have also realized that:
The straying state is neither indicative of strength and energy, nor is it progressive and dynamic.
Even though quite decent and noble sentiments may be the prompters of these straying, wandering will always lead to unrest and despair, and by wrecking our vitality, will lead our existence to confusion and chaos.
There is peace and contentment in this flow. A thirsty cry stepping on the stage of peace with the strength of devotion craves to give, in the song of devotion, a rhythmic form to the glimpse of a clean life. Riding on the current of this thirsty cry and peeping through the window of dedication, a moment calls while with faith in religious scriptures and knowledge-based fortitude as well as the courage for a deep dive. I see the flower of subtle observation budding forth. It tells me from moment to moment to “keep quiet.”
Today, the gusts of moments, in order to watch carefully that ecstatic trick of mine, stir the musical string, for they desire to see it dance in the present moments.
It was my playful, ecstatic trick to follow everyone; I felt as though I could not do without some company, but all dominated and deserted me. I would be lost in myself, my mind longed to contact strange people, but they calmly followed their own ways. No one realized that there was some character among them that demanded their own self from them.
I was wrung by my helplessness, my being drenched in love would moisten my countenance, but remained a desert to those who did not find affection in my fond looks.
Why did I crave all?
How could I adopt one?
Thus, a staggering plight and piteous desperation ever appealed to me. Though this feeling disappointed me, my deep inner self remained enamoured of it. This remained the basic craving of my life and the want of its satisfaction made me conscious of my personal servitude; it found my life bound with the label of puppetry. Today:
The speed of my emotive level,
The brake of my intellectual level, and
My general activities of life remain a fascinating desire.
If I review this fascinating desire today, it seems an invisible blessing for me. These moments, this new life, this invaluable awakening, and the progressive moments are the boons of this fascinating craving. Nevertheless, this staggering state has also thrown my life into dreadful gloom. Then who could solve this problem?
I had the lap of quietness. The pain that arose from this unbearable state was not less than anguish which took a clear, concrete shape in words and whose echoes were recorded in my book Five doors and Why. That echo brought me some moments of relaxation and relief. Sleep took me in her warm embrace.
Today, this tipsy state has acquired some sense and awareness and is imparting the same to me. Good feelings need a wholesome environment like seeds for burgeoning. These are the seeds that assemble and integrate our individuality, awaken the purity of our intellect, restore to normalcy our vacillating minds, and uproot the layer of our ignorance.
Today's moments are passing through a very happy time. The combination of moments soak in tranquility and satiety, and with the help of a dim spark of awareness, give us knowledge of our usual, practical life.
Today, this is the same spot where I sense the blooming and burgeoning of those feelings and emotions which are read or heard—where I find protection against the grip of my personal habits and temperament. Today, I sway by the desire to assess and evaluate every commodity and topic.
Today, in the laboratory of my being, a struggle is on to do some exploration, interrogation, and questioning which make other surveys and observations. The consciousness of infinite beauty is welling in me, enthusiastically to wiping out my inner gloom. A unique observation, experiencing immaculate life, is heard as a dim, melodious tune hidden behind the meaningless and painful occurrences of life.
Today, the current of this tune helps fear pass through these moments.
Is it far? Why is it there?
I see the bugbear of fear; in the past it tormented me, even in my sleep, up to the age of nineteen. Even in this weak state, I felt the blossoming of innumerable flowers. What was I afraid of: my mother, quarrels and disputes, or darkness? I was too young, weak, and dependent on others. As the caravan of moments passed I also began to see in stark reality the courage and daring hidden behind fear. Gradually, as the scale of courage grew heavier, I caught sight of my cowardice hidden behind fear.
As I looked through the window of fear I found the birth of my cowardice taking place within my own feelings and passions, which told me not to injure anyone's feelings. This crazy, stray feeling did not know that every item or commodity, when beyond the limit, it acts as a poison that used beyond proper measures of poisonous feelings, which cuts short the long span of existence.
My interior remained a beautiful habitat of a personal desire developing within me; I see myself flying high in the sky on the wings of freedom.
Today's moments say:
“O stupid one this fear was instrumental in strengthening your wing.”
Watch carefully these wings, as they have the strength lent by fear which transforms itself into courage today, making you fearless and preparing you for the highest possible stride. Please watch carefully what fear is. Fear of the unknown, it may have any aspect, entering an unknown situation; fear of the lack of capacity for accepting a challenge. What am I afraid of today? Do I really fear or not? I see that fear exists nowhere for me today. Today, innocence reflects through these moments upon this idea.
 Fear is that hunter who keeps hunting my life, wearing the garb of beautiful sentiments to keep itself safe and sound.
Today, even my quietness has swallowed up fear and perceived the basis of its firm and robust courage underlying this fear. Though so far my feelings and emotions, as milestones entering a wholesome environment, have been reaping the crop of incompletion instead of completion, these emotive processes now quite imperceptibly burnish my individuality. My boredom of emotions and passions gives birth to quietness, and quietness later gives birth to my concentration. It opens the way into a new direction.
Out of this new direction I receive the opportunity to meet a revolt-surcharge feeling. This feeling proves to be very strong and active. Oh! I never bother to think of it, nor can I understand it.
Oh! I am totally lacking in self-knowledge, and have no awareness of my own feelings and perceptions. Wonderful! Is Shaheer a mere collection of feelings and passions, who creeps on with a bundle of emotions on her head? My life witnesses an addition of new emotions and feelings; my burden of responsibilities also increased. I still remained discontent and disconsolate. Today, this spirit of revolt makes us see Shaheer in the role of a rebel.
No revolt is possible without stubbornness and some motivation.
I knew my stubborn nature very well, but my aim always remained wrapped up in emotions. Maybe a bit stronger candour was needed to understand mysterious emotions that I lacked.
Today, the verbal style of mine will show itself nearer to me than those feelings and passions; an explanation is needed for the expression of our emotive experiences. Perhaps only my eyes have begun to see and realize that:
Life is a clash of emotions rather than of individuals.
Life is an encounter between ideas and desires, however my journey of life continues amidst the clash of emotions.
Why do individuals, circumstances, situations, and environments raise before me only the milestones of the path? The question arises: why is that individual as it appears? Why does it behave like that? What would I have done, if I had been in its place? How did these circumstances develop like that and how can they be tackled? Why is this environment so dirty? How did that environment become so beautiful?
Even the delicate aspect of every happening that confronts me cannot escape my notice. Lost in reflections, when I reach G.T. Road, I cannot make out how I escaped a mishap while chewing the edge of my scarf with my teeth—I do not understand. If an overt expression of some habit or my temperament did not appeal to me, I would readily ask myself about it.
Why did you do it?
Gradually the weak and lame excuses of the people, their shallow schemes, nauseous expressions, false assurances, and superfluous arguments are coming before me and relating the tale of their restless pain--in place of omission or neglect, of their breath caught in strife, and a life full of tension. Words then crop up from within me. "No, no! Such life! No. I will not live it. In me takes place the birth of the spirit of revolt.” Was it born of such denial of life? What then, let there be school or home, time of worship or prayer, or domestic chores I will do them, only if impelled from within, otherwise I will make a flat refusal. My rebellious nature is not concerned with work or any question, but it acts, keeping in view the attitude of the person addressing me. If their feeling or attitude stirs my feelings, I will do their bidding quite readily. I remain a failure in the social and worldly plain.
Nothing ever appeals to my spirit of revolt. I never follow anyone or anything, whether it was some person or some religion. Today, this sense of revolt only accepts my feeling of love; the doors of other feelings and emotions are shut automatically. Today, with the stoppage of the hum of my leaping and bounding feelings and passions, I heave a sigh of relief, for this revolt acted as a fire which burnt up the field of action, and the field of religion, frauds, and conceit of bondages adorn me with new sacred ashes and entirely transform me.
What is this revolt?
It was a feeling against happening, individual, circumstances, and environs which my being did not like and puts a strain upon my breath and squeezed my life. It gave me the message of my servitude and brought into relief my imperfect and incomplete self. It was a feeling, rose courageously and broke down the skiff of my 'Sanskaras', which stood in revolt against them:
Unsuccessful—brought me pain.
Hopelessness and despair—the suffocation of which I bore.
Why?
Because I had no self-knowledge or self-recognition. I had never seen my own shape and looks observe my life. Why? Yes, why? Why did this painful despair take the path of revolt? Why did it not bear pain like others? Was it because it had reached the limit? It was willing to die? It was necessary to lose my senses, for as I was, I could not keep myself alive.
Today’s moments say:
“This revolt is not a revolt in essence but 'Yoga.' O silly fellow! It is by virtue that you have today acquired your mental balance.”
Today, I feel the
Height of that summit, by providing a wholesome environment, is eager to transport me to the infinite sky.
This revolt, by introducing me to other feelings and emotions dormant within me, is providing me a deep relaxation and show. The problem of every person always assumes the shape of a longing or an emotion. You always desired that none should remain in a state of suffocation and helplessness. As you felt like being caught in the grip of suffocation, every state you observed and watched, all, was your life that passed through this desire. I am not your rebellious feeling or emotion, but a desire of your composite being, and have been acting as a path guiding you. You ever kept watching.
Humans clash with humans and a clash of emotions.
What is all this? Nothing at all, only a situation that arises, occurs, and then departs. The cause of my birth was the manifestation of your imperfection. Your incomplete quest of perfection grew rebellious and stood in the garb of revolt.
My friends, the beautiful message of this rebellious spirit becomes a symbol of peace and kisses my forehead. Now, as I cast a glance at myself, I ask this question: my attractive feelings and emotions, painful desires, and greedy happiness, where have they gone today?
Do all have those heart-ravishing feelings and sensations?
Are all those longings, which allure my life, renounced or automatically relinquished?
No, no, how can I renounce them? They must have forsaken me. They may not have liked my silence; therefore, they might have deserted me during darkness.
Today, these questions of mine take me in the direction of doubt.
What is doubt? Why is it there? Why did I entertain doubt?
Doubt means the tendency to deny every person, circumstance, event, environment, and state, as well as the tendency of not reposing one's trust in their success, shape, and appearance.
Everyone studies and examines the world by means of his or her own thoughts and feelings. How can every person's limited understanding comprehend the infinite? This worm of doubt will begin to creep into one's intellect. However, it is strange that I doubted my own self. This "chakkarvyu" (whirl pool) of doubt always remains the axle of my reflections.
Why?
because I did not like anybody's mode of life.
because no holy place could cool down my feelings.
because no character won the approval of my mind.
because the shallow observances of rites and rituals suffocated me.
I would ask myself what labyrinthine confusion I was falling into. Many times I doubted whether or not my head was in its right place.
I thought millions who thought differently from me could not be wrong; I thought that I must have some flaw in me. The lifestyle of everyone suffocated me, let it be my parents, a gurudwara, or a temple. At that time I was unaware of my own desires or wants. I was in acute torment, which made me pass my days lost in broodings and nights in tossing and rolling in bed. It was a torment, very intense and deep, the memory of which made my moments control the moistening of my eyes in a sense of humiliation.
Today, I see arrays of light hidden in the darkness of doubt which kept searching for life out of life, kept looking for individuality in individuals. My failure, permeating my self, began to construct that character by which alleviating my anguish should provide satiety for my existence. I also began to point at that temple where the frisking feelings find a stay.
I also see today that the flows of my feelings and sentiments always like to proceed towards self-dependence. For me it is hard to exploit a person or to be exploited by a person.
For me it was not only hard but even impossible to seek shelter under any relationship for self-comfort. My faith in life remained commensurate with my faith in myself. The birth of this self-dependence took place in the combination of my love for freedom and the ambition to fly in heaven.
I see that this is the reason why words like compromise or mental adjustment had not entered my life—nor has helplessness ever interfered in my life. For life, conducted by compromise, and feelings, repressed by helplessness, would have only smothered the development of my being and stifled my breaths by putting me into an unbearable plight only led me to the state of servitude. I could not tolerate it; therefore this dependence is a revolutionary stride which has not allowed any impediment to the flowing stream of my life—the life, which while crossing the dark night with the light of the twinkling stars of feelings and emotions, found itself new like the new Sun.
In this novelty, I found the termination of my emotive elements as well as longing desires. In short, my life grew lighter and smoother day-by-day. Should I talk of 'sanskaras,' for the material required for the growth and development of 'sanskaras' is dwindling day-by-day, and feeling cannot soar and fly without wings.
Today's knowledge and experience stands based on yesterday's ignorance and it is only after crossing the dark night, which is symbolical of ignorance, that we enjoy the bright light of the new morning.
Today, I feel bound up by the circle of a savoury beauty, firm capacity, and the true meaning and significance of life. Through it, my being is awakening my understanding, the art of living, and a new structure of life. My being is becoming a histrionic stage of unique and rare secrets.
Today, I feel that everybody's direction starts under control of their personal desires where they carefully observe life; for the fulfillment of their longing desires, they wage struggles and thus pass their time. I remember that I had a strong desire that I should stand for someone afflicted and in need. In the cycle of the rites and rituals of worldly life, the moments of weal and woe and avowals, I had a deep desire to be a co-sharer with others, not to share with mere verbal avowals, but in the real sense of the word. The time came, eight years elapsed, and my wish was fulfilled; as I duly apprehended that longing desire, I had no other word to utter than "vow!" "Aha!"
I should be of help to some afflicted person.
Was my life ever in search of the afflicted?
Why?
Was I very happy and comfortable with myself?
The manifestation of my incompletion was quite acute and concrete. The anguish of my insatiable wished to do some deed of momentous importance, of its grandeur and sublimate, thereby swallowing up my imperfections and making me calm and contented. In the depth of that longing desire we can perceive a subtle hauteur. In my longing desire to do something was hidden a desire to be something.
The result:
There was hauteur, there was its defeat.
There was a longing, there was its fulfillment.
On the worldly level I met with defeat only.
On the mental level there was a mixture of victory and defeat.
In other words, it was good that I received release from these emotive experiences. When I received freedom from the mental level, life met me in a new shape with open arms. Therefore, my defeat was converted into victory and unsuccessful things changed into success. Then came the turn to observe life and appraise its worth. I can say today that:
True experience is only that which becomes the Milestone of our life.
True experience is genuine when it grants us freedom and salvation.
True experience is that which makes our breathing fragrant.
Nevertheless, all this is possible only with reflection. The great situation to study 'today' in the light of present moments has taken a special shape. The point of view to realize and comprehend every material object also underwent a change. Today, the gain of religious scripture, the realization of the glorious deeds of Guru Nanak, Buddha, Krishna, Jesus, Lao Tse, and Ashtavakar is circulating in my every breath. The very manner of observing individuals and life underwent a change. "Wow!"
Today, when I search for fears or worries in my life, I fail to find them. I also invite suffocation, helplessness, and despair—they do not accept the invitation. If I write a ‘Get Well’ card to my anguish to revive it, it sends a Card of ‘Thinking of You.’
What happened and what did I do?
Silence came, and with silence everything else changed. Wonderful! Today, I feel that ignorance of our own-self never allows our life to continue. If we learn the art of living, the acquisition of beautiful capability will beautify our whole life.
What is religion for me today? The art of leading a wholesome life and complete self-possession?
This, by giving a new life, produces new vitality which:
bestows upon the mind the capacity to explain
makes intellect reflective
opens the doors of invaluable expressions of pain or feeling
makes peace, comfort, and satiety a part of life
My quietness also becomes a yogic exercise. I came to know of it much later. The wonderful thing that happened was that first I learnt how to observe silence, then came the entry of the Vedic scriptures. With the termination or extinction of desires, the music of life had already come to an end. Then the going on period was over and the bugbear of fear also had flown far away from my existence. Now I understand that “I had no desire, the realization of the scarcity of commodities will never have dawned on me.” The existence of a want is the indication of the imperfection of our being. "Wow!" 
To extricate life from the clutches of desires constitutes true understanding; the abode of peace and satiety lies only on this level of understanding. Today, my existence does not cherish the desire that I can do good deeds, for I feel inner satiety and self-purity. I feel that this network of actions is a motion of one's own individuality and they reveal one's temperament and give a concrete shape to the structure of existence. Today, the solid frame of mine is turning into liquid and flowing away and the consciousness of vacuity and lightness is giving a unique speed to life.
The emptiness of yesterday was a thorn that pricked me and pushed me into the ocean of extreme dissatisfaction. Today's lightness is the rod of all suffocation, helplessness, and despondency—seemingly weightless. Today, the beautiful lightness of this emptiness makes me realize that when we go on a journey for the fulfillment of some desire; our environment, circumstances, and situation also lend their support to the fulfillment of that desire. The remote control of our desire changes the channel of the world, in that: my helplessness, despair, and tiresome occupations became responsible for the loss of my knowledge of the worthlessness of my emotive elements. In me lay the desire for an unrestrained individuality which could show me the true shape of life and grant me freedom from the acts that bind.
Was I leading a life in the real sense?
No, I was not living; only my desires and longings were alive. My life was quietly being consumed by time, and time was being eaten up by my temptations and allurements. Then how could I keep alive? My confusion and negligence would consume my courage and my misunderstandings while ignorance’s would eat up my enthusiasm.
Today, where are these mental leanings, these pranks of misunderstandings and bewilderments? Why have they vanished? It is the fault of the signboard: ‘no admittance’ has blocked their passage.
Today, not every action done seems to be self-action. These actions do not restrict me; instead they help in flowing. It is in the new flow of life that causes bubbles of explicit judgment to arise of unselfish feelings, and of emotions. They in their turn make us strong and robust, which leads to a beautiful state of existence and awakens the profound sense of satiating our thirst.
Today, I see clumsy and uncouth layers breaking and vanishing and the blurred traces of the impressions of my nature and habits. They both spread in the external world, granting me liberation, but they do not become responsible for any selfish folly.
Today, awakens in me, grace along with the ugly feelings and perceptions of desire, in view of the possibility of the obliteration of my ego. However, this consciousness, being a dedicated consciousness, stands not in a sense of haste but in a relaxed state. There occasionally arises a search out of that consciousness which looks for those moments from where my life had originated.
Today, my sense of dedication took the thirst of freedom for a lofty flight in the atmosphere of my being, for the realization of today's moment by making Shaheer conscious of a pure, virtuous life. All this fills her with impatience and discontent. She then craves for amassing and holding the whole life in a single breath.
Consequently this impatience of mine becomes the producer of the coming time and occupies the seat of patience and contentment, and these moments, in an unusual appearance, become a blessing for a new direction.
A peaceful atmosphere is struggling to be born in the stability of these actions and there I perceive the end of painful feelings. I also find in my ignorance the end of the role of my acute confusion.
A special experience, a special state, a self-analysis, and an exchange of a new understanding for a new and meaningful interpretation are coming. Through my present style of life, a new style or diction, I am also keeping with the appropriateness of moments. It is, for me, a new, pure, and fresh experience, for its birth is taking place from the womb of today. It is proving the true knowledge of my present inclination, their true strength, and true direction.
This constructive strength or energy, which observes today's trend by giving birth to my individuality, gives my inclination a glimpse of a new direction and instils in me a bold and courageous firmness. While by comparing life to a theatrical stage, it relates to existence the story of expansion. Today, the stability of my personal journey, the desire for an enthusiastic spirit, and dauntless diligence makes me conscious of the fact that:
 I can cross the ocean of existence not by swimming, but by wading through it.
So how can one cross this ocean until one has full faith in the infinite and boundless energy? Nevertheless, if I think over the prevailing situation and consider why it is so, then my life sees through the present moments.
Today, for me, my early life becomes my religious scripture, all the events transpiring becomes musical stringed instruments for me. I watched and apprehended every event with a reflective look; though in that state I could not well understand it, my link with subtlety grew firmer and firmer and  is recounted by the moments of today.
When my twinge of pain severed its relations with the world, I grew eager about my own well being. When I cast a prying look at this world, I find every object playing the role of a teacher to me.
Let there be a flowing stream, twittering birds,
mountain summits, or oceanic depth,
greenness of the trees or the vastness of the sky,
the imperfection of humanity or my own incapacity,
let there be over busyness at home or hustle and bustle at the mall
All become the milestones and bestow upon me the lap of the sweet moments of life.
Every pore of my being begins to entreat,
Please, forgive me! Please, forgive me!
Today, with everybody's blessings, the blindness of my life vanishes and I feel calm, quiet, and well satiated. It is a very beautiful state. O Lucky Shaheer! You are really fortunate that you have attained to this state, which can be only with the blessings and cooperation of all as well as the bliss of the Unknown. I can say that today:
Whatever we have received cannot be altered in anyway, but we can of course, learn the art of living beautifully with its proper use.
Because:
Religion is that 'rasa' (bliss) which teaches us not renunciation, but attachment.
Meditation is the window through which we can have this syrup.
Self-dedication is the wing with which we can fly in the sky of life without any restraint.
Life is linked with knowledge and, in the case of knowledge, there is no other laboratory as excellent as the laboratory of life. Still I feel within a thirst that reminds me of some imperfection of mine.
What is this thirst? What is this subtle and imperceptible imperfection?
Let us probe into it.
If I glance at my life, I find my life burgeoning with tranquility and contentment, but I am not contented with all this. Friends, I am not yet rid of emotions and passions, for I am yet a victim of egotism. This 'ego' or 'I’ness' is a small hole in my satiety; it always obstructs my flight in the journey of life which my individuality will not accept. In fact, I long for self-annihilation, for this 'self' of mine have enjoyed, in its own laboratory, the taste of that spiritual elevation which is called the state of "is’ness".
For today, I have realized the difference between character portrayal and sculpture. This is the same as the difference between ‘I’ness’ and ‘is’ness’

Though my life is resting on the dedicatory inclination, there is still a portion which is discontented and insatiate—which prays and longs for its satiety—and for me this longing is also largess which inspires and tells that when my ‘I’ness’ comes to an end, my ‘Is’ness’ will begin.
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