Knowledge is the Largest Miracle # 7

Then What Is This?

Then what is this? I cannot say. Whatever is still unsaid in my being, which is wrapped up in the lap of experience, is circulating in my breaths. The same in the live radiance of my feelings and perceptions is making me enjoy the sight of the true shape of life.
I wish to say, but can't;
I have the capacity to understand but cannot.
Then what is it?
It was about four in the morning when I realized the truth of those unseen feelings, sensations, and unexpressed sentiments which convey the message, brought from a far off valley, and then depart in all simplicity with a smile.
Today, lying in the womb of the Creation, this aroma is beautifying my life with a rich experience. I lay in the fold of this experience for nearly three hours. In this tipsy state, suddenly my being went into the depth of the creation. When I came back the hum of a sweet question buzzed around me. What is the message of this question? Which direction does it symbolize? I could not follow as it was hidden in the core of my feelings and perceptions.
What did it signify?
What is its reality?
These questions whirled in my existence like a whirlwind. However, my concrete 'self' paid no heed to it, nor maintained any relation with it. I was going through my daily routine, but I could feel the footfalls of this question accompanying me everywhere. Besides making its presence felt, it slowly, with the colorful play of its answers, went on enriching my awareness.
My quietness caught its aroma
However, I did not pay any heed to it.
Its foot struck my bosom,
However, I did not die.
I bore this negligence for three days until the awareness of this question vanished, and in the rebellious state, I turned my accents into words, words into sentences, and sentences into feelings and sentiments, and from sentiments into experience. I began to depict my new life on this blank sheet of paper.
What can I say? What is it?
What can I do? It is not true.
What can I understand? Is it all false?
No, I could not do anything, for I was non-extant, despite being alive, I kept watching this consciousness in active state and at the same time, sought my protection against it.
The beautiful attraction of the coming time will fortify my capacity for endurance through it, lest I grow nervous by the experience of true life. Such feelings generally gave me headache and neck-ache. Whether it was the truth of life or of death, both looked similar to me, for in the answer to this question was the zest of unique syrup. The consciousness of this taste brought with it a huge bundle of words to distribute amidst its colorful fragrance. As a result, whatever life gave was expressed in a savory shape.
Today, I stand at a place which is most precious and valuable, but whatever is happening, I wonder what its significance is? In this question mark there lies latent the knowledge of my present state and situation. I feel that with the depth of this question my life will become more spacious, free, and unbound. With it my incompletion, my thirsty satiety will have a completely perfect state of relaxation. Today, the beauty of this awareness is conveying more messages:
Be prepared to listen to what life says.
Be prepared to see what life shows.
Whatever life offers, welcome it.
These beautiful messages persuade us to think deeply. For even within me rains the clouds of three feelings and longings:
Maternal affection for all is alive and kicking in me.
I feel inspired to sing and dance.
I feel the pain of a prisoner.
Passing through these three stages of sensibility, my being finds this life receives small jerks and jolts of experience in an unknown field within the being and makes itself worthy of entering this unknown field.
The aroma of deep feelings and perceptions, after searching out a verbal style, makes my life into a colourful design. Perhaps the garb of feelings and perceptions that arise from the depths of our being are also deep and dark.
The sight of these glimpses makes breath cool and bestows upon life the gift of beauty. The consciousness of stability that lies at the depth of these tranquil moments is the threshold of the Unknown field. An inner inspiration automatically brings this state into relief and awakens a new source of energy or strength, from which it seems that the same state is spreading in all directions in the beautiful attire of omnipresence.
The being passing through these moments then pauses a little and casts a glance at the time gone by; not all things look transformed, but the field of material experience looks wonderful and mysterious. This field then becomes the unique means of teaching and directing every present happening, every individual we come across, and every blooming possibility. By giving, through a prudent message, the meaning of every congenial and uncongenial topic, it acquaints life with ascetic practice and undertakes the responsibility of humanizing a genuine and alloyed ascetic.
How do a series of efforts rid oneself of the thirst for liberation from longing desires, and still maintain its speed in the stream of life? How does it, through the unforgettable message of leading life and watching it pass through different experiences from every particle to every moment, from every breath to every thought, keep the quest for salvation alive?
For self-perfection:
Pitiable plight makes a request to one's own self
A piteous request to the world for love
The state of a prayerful request to the Unknown for its bounty
When some critical action takes place, at the same moment it scatters the one question in myriad shapes and colors, making every part of life conscious, wakeful, refreshed, and renews my courageous enthusiasm and determined thirst.
I feel that speed is daily on the increase. This speed leads the thirsty to its water source, in which countless flashes of illumination, the aromatic smell of the calm, immaculate environment, and despite matchless relaxation, flows on with a glow.
The very slogan of demanding freedom from this ‘I-ness’ is the madness of this speed.
The consciousness of this frenzied state makes this tipsy state mysterious; thereby it makes provision for adopting the art of living a whole, collective life.
This is the same frenzy that makes it easy and smooth in all directions. However, today this frenzy which creates within itself that efficiency and skill which makes me dedicated to a strong, energetic, and healthy life.
The end of the anguish of imperfection
The end of the painful grasp
The end of moments nurtured in temptations.
Today, it is enamored of thirsty speed. Today, this thirst, with full and firm diligence, along with the survey of the material field and the mental field, beautifies the capacity for intelligent self-analysis. Its field of action does not end here—in a deep and far off valley someone desirous of experience also watches and examines the intellectual level and extends to us the invitation to approach him.
Being attracted by the grandeur of the unknown path, I wait for entry into the vast temple of the unknown experience watches, sometimes itself and sometimes the unknown with piteous glances. This glance itself becomes a life-giving drug for prayer. Existence is then blessed with balance and fortitude.
Today, there appears before me in full punctuality every action, every particle, and every material object settling all accounts. I am left watching, and immediately see that in every person is born the depth of purity and beauty. I also feel that it is not only I who rids the self of material objects and attractions, but they too rid themselves of me and reveal to me their true beauty. Then:
All those rites and rituals,
Verbal restraints,
Confiding demonstrations and shows,
Lofty principles,
All those that grabbed me with suffocation, helplessness, and despair, today they have all become for me milestones that illuminate my path. Then:
Whom can I tell—what? Aha! Wow!
Who can I call—and what can I say? Bravo!
For whom can I clap?
In this world there is a theatrical stage for desires and in this life, all play their respective roles.
At times flow the tears of anguish
At times flow the tears of joy
At times blow cool puffs of ease and comfort
At times blow hot puffs of woes and troubles
Then what are all these?
Only symbols to give direction to true life. They have come, led by the consciousness of their ignorance, or they are heavy and black curtains which do not let us see the divinity of our faces.
Then who are we?
Today, before doing obeisance to Krishna, Buddha, Jesus, Lao Tse, and Nanak, I will pay my compliments to the whole universe and bow to myself. I am all in all. Today, the observation of life refines and improves me, adorns me. This beauty itself demands:
Tell me what is this all.
Tell me what all this is about.
Life asks the question and then, in the shape of an answer, it opens several avenues of experience to make us feel at home with all the shapes and colours of this vast life.
From fog to sea
From the first breath of life to the last breath
From a moment to the vast expansion
All this is my life; with the help of this question, it lends speed to my respiration, determines the direction of my life, and intoxicates the state of my being.
I understand this, but still cannot tell.
The awareness of this extremely beautiful state, which is emerging as a passion in the form of these words and is opening the portals of life, makes us enter the field of experience and gives me the massage of true freedom. Is secures a release from the prison-house of Ego. This is the same state which is better to understand than to question.
This understanding for life is to realizing what the definition of individual life, as well as the collective life. What are those fields of experience? It is the condescension of the vast, universal life to paying heed to the individual existence. This understanding, taking shape in a question, becomes an effort to remove my ignorance. For today, this understanding reminds me of the fact that:
Whatever we possess is our true means; by making us ascetic, it enriches our life with the excellent art of living.
Wherever we stand may be in any state and in any direction, the first step of our pilgrimage will begin from there. Whatever we possess is our solid fact and what we wish to become is our destination, for to realize and enjoy life with understanding, to utilize the available means appropriately, is the real art. Otherwise, what is this life?
Life, when I probe into this word, the existence of it in its depth introduces me to countless other words—one of those words is thirst. Life is only a word of language today; the consciousness of this linguistic word is only a word. However, when I went deep into my life's experience, I felt life in the shape of thirst only.
Life is a thirst
I see every resource of this thirst with the help of my present existence. Before every search appears the signboard of no admittance, which turns me in some other direction. The colours of this thirst pay a visit to the world in quite novel and unique shapes.
The circle of material thirst, despite its large scope, is within limits.
The circle of feelings and desires, despite its extreme uniqueness, is within limits.
The circle of thought and reflection, despite being sweet and tranquil, is within limits.
Today, all these limits confront my present state with the words no admittance and direct me towards myself, for my thirst remains almost of the same degree of intensity. Its satiety is not possible in 'egotism' or ‘I’ness’. This thirst has already sipped the drop of ‘is’ness’.
Today, just as small glimpses prepare a new life, in the same way our words are composed of small letters; there are many windows through which we can see the uniform shape of the universe in small fragments.
When my being stayed for a few moments in the lap of ‘is’ness’ there was the realization of one and the same uniform shape.
Today my awareness tastes the same experience through the mirror of pure, immaculate understanding. Do these small verbal windows examine and scrutinize my intellect too? These words have no center of their own. They lend us efficiency and capability. To understand the appearance of this world and apprehend the truth, we shall be in a position to do without words.
When I look around, I find no words entering my life. In fact, the boundary of every word confined to the word 'thirst,' acquires a boundless character.
What is Materialism?
A state or a stage when our thirst becomes physical
What is Rationalism?
Only thirst sought the fulfillment of desires and feelings.
 What is the intellectual level?
A thirst that makes us learn and reflect, thus quenches our intellectual thirst.
Every level betrays some sort of thirst, while I see nothing but thirst. However why is this thirst there, and who is its creator?
Who is the creator, who by awaking thirst suggests the grandeur of renunciation and prompts us to proceed to the source of water? If today I treat every field of experience as the experience of thirst only, I see its reaction.
This new experience quenches my thirst, and thereby my bounds begin to crack and I begin to fly in the limitless sky with the wings of freedom. As I turn to life:
The softness of these experiences begins to lend me stability.
The explicitness of these experiences begins to provide firmness for my breaths.
The satiety of my thirsty existence begins to make my individuality idealized.
Today, I again begin to survey and study myself very carefully, for whenever the consciousness of some question appears before me as a pillar of light, I study the world at large through the window of consciousness. I have never found myself materialistic at any stage of life. To keep alive we need material goods, accordingly I have lived in the material sphere with this consciousness. However, I was ever appreciative of the beautiful construction of every object. My steps entered the field of sensations and feelings in quest of self-satiety. The range of these feelings and sentiments was so vast that my intellectual consciousness remained out of sight.
If today I have this awareness that life is thirst, a question arises: where lies the origin of my thirst? Have I felt that life is a mere thirst? If there is thirst, there must be some thirsty person too. Then what am I? The increase in my thirst, also increased my capability and strength and with the increase in my capability, I begin to feel relief from the suffocation of constraints and from the anguish of imperfection. This in return brings my thirst to reduction. I feel that I did exist as an omnipresent being. In this state of ‘is’ness’ there is the abode of a unique, mysterious, beautiful, and tranquil comfort and ease. Then what was the nature of this thirst?
The awareness of my incompletion.
My imperfection is what bound me to the consciousness of an inferiority complex, which ever keeps me conscious of my inability and helplessness. It grips me with the sense of helplessness, despair, and suffocation.
What does the field of materialism yield?
The feeling of pleasure and pain, of weal and woe.
= I have ever craved for transcendence over weal and woe.
What does the mental (intellectual) field yield?
Wandering and moments of happiness.
= I had become fully satiated.
What is the intellectual field?
Restlessness and tranquility coupled with reflection and learnedness.
My thirst ended.
I lost all attachment with these three fields; however, these are my today's eventualities, for I have realized that:
All these attachments are painful only as long as we lack the understanding to encounter them.
Today, when I feel a sense of emptiness, I see the vast expansion around, spread in a very strange and unusual manner. I have never thought about what the world is and what I am. Today, my self-study has liberated me from all this whisper about myself. Today, all the three levels are true despite being false! In addition, they are false, despite being true.
When the thirst is materialistic, the world becomes real and true.
When life becomes a combination of feelings and passions,
Life becomes a field of feelings and passions.
When life becomes thoughtful and reflective, the world becomes a qualitative field.
Today, I feel that there is another field beyond the three fields mentioned above. It gives my life a new mode of reflection, a new direction, and a new state of being, thereby awakening a new thirst.
Am I a part of this new realization?
According to Buddha, Nanak, Krishna, Jesus, and Lao Tse's honoured observations, if I am—
Neither body, mind, nor intellect. Then what am I?
We shall have to learn what this 'spread-out-ness' is. I could never indulge in fanciful approach. I am not strong of fancy or imagination, but the desire to after my love was uppermost and the inclination to share my possessions with others was ever dominant. It was my practice of silence that made me conscious of these two qualities in me. Wow! Hurrah!
Silence is part of this human computer which deletes all our superfluities and, by rejuvenating us, increases our capacity to memorize. Thereby, it gives us an awareness of life, for this awareness alone is our purity.
Today, my passing moments are paying a visit to a new field. Today, the Buddha, Nanak, Krishna, and Tao become for me the embodiments of light, and these three fields become for me the abodes of peace. They quench my thirst and give me liberation.
Then, are all these three fields the sources that rid us of our thirst?
I shall say = yes.
Then why do we feel this thirst?
I shall say = because of our incompletion or imperfection
Then what is this imperfection born of?
I will say = of the ignorance of reality and of our lack of knowledge;
Who is the creator of this lack of knowledge?
Our Ego and the feelings of ‘I’ness’
Several moments of today take this world for a mere photograph, like the one we hang to the wall and watch. In the period of such experiences there can be no escape from the twinges of imperfection and the sense of self-abasement, nor is life dependent on mere words. Rather, life gets prepared to blossom in its true shape. These blessed moments dawn upon us during our period of silence, but we have to reveal them through words only, for these words express these experiences of life in all their shapes and hues in an attractive and alluring manner.
Despite all this knowledge, one part of our being remains stagnant. These questions provide us with information on life and then life makes us enjoy its beauty.
For the individual, attachments begin to break and we rid ourselves of the bondage of our feelings and passions. Peace begins to bloom; love's cool imperialism sets in. Only necessary and avoidable exchanges of words go on, while invaluable and rare feelings wake up. The aroma of moments of comfort increases. Then comes resuscitation in our insight and intellectual stability and life no longer flows in a wrong and irrelevant direction. If occasionally goes awry, at once it retakes its right position.
This shape of life first of all ended my whole servitude, which lay sticking to these fields. It enabled me to study carefully the challenges my situation or environment brings to me and with this ability I take a step towards my regeneration.
Today, if my life has takes a step to achieve a decent capability, my mind and intellect will also begin to prove their identity. Because of my success in meditation, I got the chance to enjoy the beauty of the world. Perhaps it is by getting rid of fears and worries that one receives success in meditation—the deeper the quietude, the greater the experience of the profundity of silence. With this meditation, every experience of our being becomes more alive and wakeful. This wakefulness leads to a rational, intelligent life. However, I still get besieged in the surprising circle of ignorance and unconsciousness.
At times this wandering invites reaction. When I feel perturbed within all fields and my existence all look worthless and inane, then the question arises:
Why do I feel the sense of worthlessness in present day moments?
Then automatically the answer comes:
Your existence is still incomplete.
This incompletion gathers up its unrest and heads for relaxation in the lap of some light word. Then this denunciatory state erects around me the fence of quietness and transports me to a motionless state which introduces me to my feelings and sentiments, straying in all battlefields of life. Then, after giving me a glimpse of the past stage, it offers a cup of frenzy for the Unknown.
These experiences are only momentary. Nevertheless, the tipsy state induced by them, intoxicates my life.
Today’s question: what is all this?
By giving the chance to measure and realize the whole world, it desires to remove all imperfections and shortcomings of my life. Therefore, it opens the doors of further possibilities.
There was a time when the heat of my passions did not allow the cloud of my life to rain. Today, these experiences have become the source of energy and stir new possibilities. Today, in the absence of these experiences, life seems to be meaningless and insipid, for my romance with them has already begun.
What are these experiences?
Symbols of reference for self-recognition.
Then the period of self-love begins, and I begin to perceive myself soaring high. These experiences, which are guides and directors for life, remind me that I should examine myself carefully and see what ought to be my clear and candid point of view towards all.
The world is a field of happenings, and proceeds from darkness towards light, from attachment to love, from ignorance to knowledge, and from bondage to freedom. Today, my experience puts me in mind that these three fields, in addition to the fourth self-field and along with the fifth field of ignorance, are the five regions and seven chakkars generally talked about. These seven chakkars occur by making further additions to these fields, dividing them into seven parts. For deep experiences, it points out that a happening, a situation, an individual, a direction, a stage of life, and actions are associated with these fields.
Where do we stand?
What is our wish?
What is our direction?
In the same way these fields receive us and directly influences our life's career, the identity, mark of recognition, of these three fields has become the identity of my 'self'-field. The interplay of these experiences becomes the cause of the unknown field. The manifestation of these five fields makes me enjoy the sight of my inner circle, anand chakka. Wow! Such a beautiful and easy connection! Aha!—Wah! Wah!
When I was ten, adults seemed to me very big.
When I was twenty, the world seemed to be a very big object.
When I was thirty, the Buddha, Krishna, Nanak looked very big exalted.
When I was forty, these fields, Chakkar, made my head swim, the words: timeless, attribute-less 'emotionless', bodiless, 'Omkar,' 'shapeless', 'nameless' made my being a shriek. Should I become a shriek and tear asunder this universe?
For— I kept thinking.
All these are the stages which a common person cannot reach. Then, in the motion of my breaths, my tormented life would toss and convulse. "What should I do? How may I do it?"
When this attachment with pain sowed the seeds of sobriety in the depth of silence and made even buds appear, I remained very ignorant of it. During this observance of silence all began to transpire which I could not conceive.
When did my twinge of pain become the producer, when did my attachment become a director, under which the sense of dedication to the film of this unique journey of life begins? I do not know. Wow! Wonderful!
I can only say that:
After my riddance from suffocation, caused by fear and worry, and my riddance from helplessness and despair, when I was besieged, in the state of silence, by peace and satiety, all these exalted true colours and hues of the spiritually exalted state began to display their secrets. The depths of these beautiful subtle words unveil themselves in a dedicated life.
When I cast a glance at the moments gone by, the consciousness dawns upon me that a stray life can never have any strength or energy; the source of energy which can be met only in the state of peace, leads life to the highest level of development. Today, in the enclosure of this special experience of life, the method of making self-observation has become very simple and easy. To acquire this technique or skill receptivity is indispensable and this receptivity is the capital of a peaceful and satiated life.
When I went to the Vedas and the Granth in search of Buddha, Nanak, Krishna, and Jesus and visited holy places, I came across dead and rotten sensibilities in religious cloaks. My tormented attachment was ready. With the heat of this torment, irrelevant desires and superfluous directions were burnt up, causing self-consciousness to blossom in beautiful silence. Then my whole time, my total strength, began to make my life receptive of the new direction.
This receptivity and capability, surrounded by the four walls of desires, can never burgeon and blossom. My optimistic attachment tasted the deep, underlying sense of some words by virtue of peace.
Today, my life is surcharged with cordial feelings of reverence and gratitude. Today, I feel fully capacitated by a spirit to accept the sense of weal and woe. My capacity for acceptance and endurance of every happening is so strong that even if I lack this capacity, I will feel grateful.
The capacity to accept the accidents of life with equanimity is very strong for I see that I am not simply 'I'; my individual self, this 'I-ness' of mine, as long as it remains besieged with the circle of ego, it carries little value. When it is in the circle of ‘is’ness,’ it is everything. When it is in the mood of acceptance and dedication, it becomes a part of creation.
This attachment is so beautiful that it derives experience from every physical and mental state, every direction, and every happening with its drop satiates life. The most beautiful thing that I appreciate is that cooperation covers the whole world, largess and grace are unknown, but the freedom of choice belongs to the self or individuality.
That individuality, despite becoming a concrete shape of abstract beauty, remains in a bodily state. Wow!
In this increasing growth of life the distinctions and discriminations of sweet and sour, and weal and woe, begin to disappear. For I see that:
My incompletion is not actually incompletion, but my confusions and perturbations cross my suffocation, helplessness, and despair; my fears and worries, in the garb of omissions and commissions, guide life on right lines. These confusions give the taste of sweet and sour and of misery and discomfort. Riddance from them brings freedom, happiness, sweetness, love, and zest of joy and the bliss of life.
It means that we are a pivot that can become a symbol of direction and guidance for our life. The freedom and the choice lying within us play the role of the beautiful and the ugly. Just as an ant finds food in the sand, in the same way our wish and our choice develop their own life in the world with freedom.
My thirsty anguish made me conscious of my incapability, inefficiency, and poverty. It was this weakness that kept stinging me in the shape of incompletion, in the shape of fear and worry it kept eating up my vitals. My existence became a sacrifice at the altar of my feelings and passions and kept sobbing in the servitude of my incompletion and imperfections. With it, my source of energy went dry, my intellectual level became dull and frigid, and my mental basis fell into depression. The material basis looked dull and insipid and my faith in myself dwindled on. My life became imbalanced and shaky and endured the pain of my crippled state.
And today,
Where did the serpent of imperfection vanish?
The wishes that consumed my life?
The insatiate feelings?
Are our wishes and desires not born of the womb of incompletion?
Does not the heat of our worries scorch us like the sun of desires?
In short, the feelings of pain arising from passions, I cannot endure. To see myself happy and comfortable, I changed the direction of my life. There, the fluttering wings of my passion proceeded in search of a happy life and found relief in the form of footfalls.
Wrong are the sentiments and feelings, which do not beautify life.
Those ideas are faulty, that do not keep quiet.
That direction is wrong, which does not maintain balance.
That state is faulty, that does not vitalize life.
Today, the footfall of these feelings and sentiments is making the world rich with the treasure of virtues and is promising man the treasure of knowledge. To record on every board of life it calls with a deep desire and indulges in an ecstatic dance.
Our understanding is that mirrors automatically form reflections according to these virtues.
For this is our freedom and this is the servitude of our choice.
Therefore, in order to understand true virtues the cleanliness of our mind and intellect is indispensable.
To know the true nature of these virtues constitutes our true religion and then to know our own self is our knowledge.
To combine faith and knowledge is true life, life in the real sense. That is why true life is limitless, free, and timeless.
Aha! Wow! Then what does my writing mean?
Writing and silence are the two actions continuously occurring in my life. Silence makes us realize life; writing about it brings us into cooperating and co-sharing with the world. I do not know what will be the journey of these letters; I only know that these letters have a light shade that acts as a persuasion. Whatever is to be written about life has been written beautifully; still, when I turned to the Vedas and other scriptures, I cannot learn and realize what I know today. Today, I have understood the true significance of the Vedas. Today, I have comprehended the lives of Buddha, Krishna, and Tao.
Still I have realized my ignorance of the vicissitudes in their lives. They talked of the great and exalted life, but gave no inkling into their personal life. I wish to have detailed information of their personal, private life.
I keep thinking that, that grand sort of life can be had only by specially gifted individuals. I have my own definition of that special. I know that millions of others also are meandering in this labyrinth. Today, I have grasped the meaning of the word special, for we all are special type of people.
Today, I have full knowledge of my direction, state, and stage. The process of recording that knowledge is the means of motivation for the persuasion that arises from that incompletion and imperfection.
Then what is it? Action or no action?
I am willing to accept both of these.
Today, this question imposed the label of pause upon my traffic. I identified myself with silence, and at the same time, I realize that when the flow of my sensibility proceeds towards some individual, direction, or situation; it fetches such experience that when I look at myself, this experience either purifies me or gives some information. Today, every feeling, every individual, and every idea is a looking glass in which I see myself. The limits of every field and everyone, the appearance of the world and the appearance of human, awakens in me the same feeling and makes me breathless. Human is the world, the world versus human.
For example-
The world <-> nature             <-> the unknown (God)
         |                      |                                             |
The body <-> mind and intellect <-> full consciousness (the soul)
In the midst of the world and human = the mind and the intellect.
Between human and the Unknown = hearts.
When the mind and intellect is in full surety with their step into life, the heart is called the emotional basis.
How to tell what it is? How innocently it blossoms. All this is one. This mysterious situation dips the breaths in deep satiety, makes life stand as life and then disappears.
Today, this yes, what is this? The understanding of this question introduces us to another aspect of life and makes us perceive and approach grand life. I had in me some other such words that cause bitterness and irritation and made me allergic. The words, which my being did not tolerate, were: compromise, helplessness, duty and rights, personal affairs, our own kith and kin, strangers, self-respect, and Guru (the guide or preceptor).
Why did I lose my temper over such words? I did not know, nor understand them exactly. Today, in this period of understanding when I have realized their significance, I share this understanding; for nothing is useless that happens in this life. It is a great union that runs this life.
Then what is this?
The individual or the world?
The world = despite being everything is nothing.
Human = despite being destitute is everything.
Through the window of these words I will share with you the beautiful combination of this relationship, for whatever happens to us has a network of relationships and links deep relationships. How our individual nature takes the past occurrences is clear from our present life.
I may say today that wishes are another name for life.
It is our actions, our desires, and our wishes that take the shape of this expansion.
The right direction of our negative and positive inclinations also lends true significance to life.
The sense of virtue and vice is co-sharer in the outspread of life.
I keep away from the sound of these words; why?
Why did they not visit my life?
Am I aware of the profound meanings of these words?
These words for me were negative. They tended to bring me suffocation, helpless, and despair and caused twinges of pain. My observance of silence, by bringing me in contact with these words, lent freshness to my life.
The slavery of these words proved an indication of a weak life. This slavish and weak plight for me was unbearable. Therefore, life kept making its own selections. When I was young, I heard a song on the radio. It was a Hindi song. "Make a compromise with grief, my friends; life offers grief as well."
This was the first 'song' that made me angry. I would think it over and say to myself—first let grief come and then compromise with them. Why? Why are there griefs? Seek their cure and find solutions! This suggestion of "a compromise" with grief was a wrong signal for me.
This life of mine could not compromise with grief. Floods of grief came and never stopped, for stoppage would have only reminded me of my servitude. I wished to see life in its true colors. Only the present day has brought me this apprehension.
We come to a compromise where:
There is a request for it, a desire for comfort,
One has to cheat or defraud somebody,
Satisfy one's incomplete and insatiate desires, and
An inordinate desire for the goods of luxury.
They had no importance or role in my life. Therefore, I could never reconcile myself to them. It means only our longing desires make these compromises a part of our life.
Even in utterance, this word makes piteous echoes and makes us cast a pitiful glance at its user. For some people it is a decorative word and they desire that someone should call them “the poor fellow,” then cast upon them a pitiful glance, and show kindness and benevolence.
Some people use this word to cover their inability and inefficiency for work. However delicate be our circumstances, situations, and environment, I never found any scope for this word helplessness in my life.
Of course, the cowardly and the weak make use of this word. Whoever is helpless and lacks capacity cannot go beyond this word. Such a human is never asked to do a thing which it cannot.
In fact, I took it only for a contrivance to use this word in order to conceal one's reluctance to do something and to present oneself as a helpless being. For many lack the frankness to say 'no' in clear-cut terms. I always took it as a slavish mentality to get rid of cowardliness and lack of courage by calling it helplessness.
Duty and Right
The words 'duty' and 'right' when used, make even a pigmies take wings. Have you ever pondered carefully over your rights and duties? We always remember our rights and others' duties, for whatever we say or do looks more important than what others say or do. Why?
These words are the symbols of our discontent and imperfection, for we are seldom satisfied with ourselves.
If our right is 'freedom', what is our duty?
Is it to impose slavery upon others?
If our right is 'love,' is it an anathema for others?
If our right is 'happiness', what is our duty?
All quarrels and disputes are for our rights; if we remind them of their duties, every person replies, "Let everybody do its work, as God has given hands to all.”
What we say nobody bothers, but struts about in the world like a peacock. Moving about unusually, our life remains ever sad and gloomy; all playing the worn and hackneyed boards of complaint, symbols raise slogans for their rights. Their words betray their ignorance which always irritates me.
Our acquaintances, non-acquaintances, and personal affairs
The words ‘our acquaintances,’ ‘non-acquaintances,’ and ‘personal affairs’ raised a fence around life. They seemed to me quite materialistic words. How can we draw a line of demarcation between our acquaintances and strangers? I could never draw it. My life went on taking whole-collective life into my embrace. I never found my limit. These words stood for reserve and narrow-mindedness and I never appreciated any wrangling between two individuals, two nations, or two religions.
By concealing or couching infirmities in sweet words, we cannot exalt our personal life or make it prosper. I kept breathing and taking steps in quest of the joy of freedom and the understanding of life and could not tolerate the slavery of these words.
This is a popular word on the lips of cultured people and very specially used.
I spent my life in this word, but I never used it. If someone rejected or spurned me, I never visited them a second time. If life rejected or affronted these people, I sided with them. How a statement was made was more important for me then why it was made. Why it was made had no effect on me. People around me would say, “She is mad. She follows blindly those who insult her. She has no self-respect.”
Their words of insult and humiliation would direct me towards them. How could I pay any heed to this word? This word that sits couched in a sweet garb was in no capacity to stem the flow of my feelings.
What am I and what is my self-respect?
Others' indifference towards us awakens our sense of self-respect. If we show indifference to our personal life, why will this sense not wake up? My feelings do not stand in need of any word, nor is my life in need of any rebuke or censure. How can a life that is under the confinement of words, honour and praise anybody? These words determine the limits of life. How can we feel proud of this line of demarcation?
My 'self' is mine and it safeguards my feelings and emotions. Credit goes to it because it realizes the twinges of others; even though, the other fellows are the same to who insulted them. For what it was then in no longer now, and what I am now, I was not then. This is my self-respect, which is quite valuable for my 'self'.
The Preceptor (Guru)
The mere mention of this word makes us bow in reverence. This word refreshes our remembrance of 'purity'. However, whenever this word delimited me to one individual, one religious faith, and one scripture, thereby putting my life in a grasp, I ever rebelled against it. The Gurus, or guides, in my surroundings, always seemed to me confined within certain limits. Though they might not be such, their surrounding enclosed them, and thus put them under limits. I could not confine myself to any limits.
My preceptor is my thirst, my life, my holy and ascetic practices, and my circumstances. However, the situation, whether favourable or unfavourable, is a precept for me. Everyone and every incident is an object lesson for me. This wish or desire is for me a lesson in detachment. Every vice taught me how to practice and exert myself, every virtue made me efficient. The very universe became for me the home of the Preceptor—a temple!
All these continued their teachings and I became farther and farther away from my 'self'.
A flower or a fruit,
A flowing stream or a mountain,
All enter my feelings and became a part of me as a homogenous lot.
Let there be nature or some other substance,
A longing desire or a passion,
A woman or a man,
A song or a dance,
They all give me direction or a guideline. Then how can I only pick one to become my guide or Preceptor? Then how could the word guru or Preceptor enter my life? It could not.
These words made me conscious of my servitude and directed my life towards the Free and the Boundless Unknown because this is my deep and profound thirst.
I felt the total acceptance of every event and every situation grants us an open life. This willing acceptance creates in us a positive tendency and makes our life beautiful and tranquil. These words carry nearly ten percent importance in life, while I see that the whole life is comprehended by the world, why?
Deep thirst involuntarily leads us to the source of water. It knows what is positive for it and what is negative. This is the secret of life to explore, which this rebellious thirst bade farewell to:
Every direction that restricts,
Every direction that sucks us,
Every individual that squeezes, and
Every religion that blinds, I went along its path.
My life was once most emotive and sensitive, but it expressed itself in the shape of depression for me. Every person's qualities were a source of attraction for me. The three fields in the world, being qualitative, became for me the guidelines of life. An appreciation and comprehension of these qualities guided and instructed me.
Today, I have no longer any desire for the qualities and knowledge of this visible world, only the satiety of my thirst goes on expressing itself automatically.
However, to this understanding is attached the consciousness of my ignorance. At this very spot, this mark of interrogation expressing itself enables me to study life and find out what is its quintessence.
Then what is it? A stage or a situation?
My negative tendency and positive tendency provide a direction for the fulfillment of my desire. My wish, arising from my lack of satiety, dissatisfaction, and discontent, is the identification of my egotism. My ‘I’ness’ is the consciousness of my imperfection and ignorance. Then a religious question appertaining to the Vedas, the Shastras, and the Gita arises and makes its presence felt. It asks:
Is your path the path of action?
Is your direction the path of knowledge?
Is your direction the path of devotion?
If none of these, then what is it?
Now the question arises: what is silence or quietude?
"Silence' becomes my action; its birth takes place out of the inferiority complex or the sense of self-abasement caused by lack of efficiency, ignorance, and destitution.
The period of self-entreaties,
At times a request to nature becomes the path of devotion.
When I begin to understand the role of the positive and the negative elements, there starts a reaction against one or the other. Then the ‘nayti nayti’ of the Vedic scriptures starts. Now as soon as some event, individual, circumstance, situation, and some commodity interfere with my silence, at once the spirit rid them arises. Now as I begin to segregate myself from the negative element I begin to realize what is what. Today, as I am departing from the positive element, I feel what is not. It leads to the path of knowledge.
It means that from whatever point one might start, one will see the combination of the three.
Today, in the unique moments of this calm and this fulfillment, another experience of manifestation is spreading. This new manifestation, of which the whole life is the expansion which makes us feel as we are all one, despite great differences of colors and hues, needs a new name. What should I call this new manifestation?
God or the Powerful Unknown?
Today, as I cast a glance at the sense of weal and woe, virtue and sin, material commodities, and true or false, all look worthless. If today I look at myself, I feel that I ‘am’ as ‘is’ness. If I look at this ‘is’ness’ from the negative point of view, then there seems to be nothing in existence. From the positive point of view, everything exists.
Then what is all this?
The consciousness of understanding, peace, satiety, and ownness and the sense of beyond love. Then what is the nature of what is not or what does not exist? The feeling of comfort across the twinge of pain, helplessness, woe, envy, and ignorance.
Today, here, a part of the same question has asked, “do my leanings go towards Buddha, Nanak, Krishna, or Tao? What is my present day's liking?” Today, there is no special sentiment of like or dislike, for I see in every person the growth of the Buddha, Nanak, or Krishna. For:
When we are tranquil, are we not Buddha?
When we adopt simplicity, are we not Nanak?
When we are full of meekness, are we not Mahavira?
When we sway in the enjoyment of a dramatic performance, are we not Krishna?
When we live in the content and calm of mendicancy, are we not Tao?
When we scatter the smile of love, are we not Jesus?
When the state of carefree and wanton abandon makes a dance spree, are we not Ashtavakra?
The difference lies in the fact that they achieved perfection in these virtues that crossed the limits of time and space. We enjoy these states, moment by moment, and move about within time and space.
Still if I peeked deep within and examined my temperament, I would see that my existence had embraced Tao and adopted the carefree self-abandon of Ashtavakra.
Since my youth, I have been enamored of Lord Krishna, but I always liked Gurudwaras. I also chose silence, in a negative sense like the Buddha.
In short, not only in myself, but in this world and in every life I see all of them, every material object, and every individual the shapes and hues of all; their virtues and vices are all alike.
I also realized that they are mere stages, where the pilgrimages are separate, despite similarity in colour, shape, or body. This separate pilgrimage also serves as a symbol of the mutual combination of the three pilgrimages.
My past moment gives proof to my journey. These moments of today also bestow upon our small lives the boon of a bigger life. This is that stage of my life, which takes the shape of a question and gives completion to my journey with the help of my daring firmness and powerful enthusiasm. Then all this, whatever it be, are beautiful feelings and perceptions, like flowers and fruit which gives fragrance and taste.
Friends, today, this question, "Then what is it?” My life answers:
This is my freedom which makes me conscious of my servitude.
It is also that light which abolishes my servitude

By becoming a means of self-communion, it awakens the capacity in me which, at the beginning, led my life to budding and today at the end…
It goes on, pausing only a little.